If you’re a Bay Area writer, or you love a writer, or you just like to sit at Ritual and pretend to type away at God knows what, Litquake SF is your chance to check out hundreds of authors at over 80 events, all in the span of nine days. So take out your iPhone calendar. Here’s our guide to the poets and the prose and everything in between.

Friday, October 7

The Devil’s Lexicon: Litquake’s Nod to the Dark Side of LIterature

Official//diabolical opening night party at The Verdi Club.

Saturday, October 8

Off the Richter Scale: Part One

Various hour-long themed readings throughout the afternoon, from “Writing in California Prisons” to a poetry hour, science fiction session, and a discussion of the current indie publishing world. (followed by Part Two on Sunday)

Sunday, October 9

“That’s My F*cking Stool!”: Writers at the Bar

This one has no official description, but it’s at Vesuvio and Beth Lisick is on the lineup. Get your absinthe on.

Monday, October 10

New Writers Toolkit

If you lack a 9-5, check out these two free panel discussions Monday afternoon at the Foundation Center. First-time authors and publishing pros will talk about making the leap from that unpublished manuscript // paranoid self-doubt, to published awesomeness. (just kidding. the self-doubt doesn’t go away.)

MFA Body Slam

Bay Area MFA students duke it out at the Swedish American Hall — with their words, of course.

Tuesday, October 11

Litquake in the Bookstore: Chuck Klosterman

The sports and pop culture guru reads from his latest work, The Visible, at The Booksmith. Arrive early or reserve your seat by ordering an advance copy from the bookstore.

Wednesday, October 12

RADAR at the Luggage Store

Michelle Tea’s monthly RADAR reading series leaves SF Public LIbrary for a special appearance at the Luggage Store. The all-female cast includes Yasmin Golan, Myriam Gurba, Genny Lim, Shannon O’Malley, K.M. Soehnlein, Masha Tupitsyn and Laurie Weeks.

Thursday, October 13

Subterranean SF Reading Series: The LItanies of Noir

In a manner befitting its title, this underground event is only open to folks who pick up a mysterious black envelope from the front counter of City Lights, starting Monday on a first come/first served basis. The envelope will include an invitation, map, and navigation instructions to a reading by crime fiction writers Christa Faust, Sara Gran and Donna Lethal.

Literary Death Match: Litquake Rumble

The globetrotting reading series // epic competition makes its annual Litquake appearance, hosted and curated by Opium founding editor Todd Zuniga. Four writers will read, three judges will judge, and only one writer will emerge victorious. I missed this last year and can’t pretend to know what to expect, but this description seems promising. http://www.literarydeathmatch.com/about/

Friday, October 14

Today’s the day to rest up for LitCrawl, the veritable Litquake climax. But if you need more distraction from that blank Word document…

Jeffrey Eugenides at Books Inc. Opera Plaza

The Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Virgin Suicides and Middlesex will read from his new novel, The Marriage Plot.

Rock Out with Your Book Out: Music Writers and Musicians Who Write

If we’ve learned anything from James Franco and J. Lo, it’s that artists love to do the multidisciplinary thing (for better or for worse — different discussion). Noise Pop and Litquake co-present this special music night at the Make Out Room with writers who rock and rockers who write, discussing things like Todd Rundgren, Quadrophenia, and late-70s Birmingham post-punk.

Saturday, October 15

LIT CRAWL!

Both the grandaddy of LItquake and the end of the festival, LitCrawl pretty much warrants its own separate guide.

Starting at 6 pm, lit folks will inherit the Mission for three hourlong phases of readings and performances at bars, bookstores, coffeeshops, indie shops, galleries, and other venues on and surrounding the Valencia corridor — like the laundromat, or Michelle Tea’s (other) reading series on the pool table at the Lex. Last year there was a crowd of people in Clarion Alley telling hilarious sex fail stories.

You don’t need us to tell you that the small venues fill up quick, so check the full details here and plan ahead.