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Paranormal Patriots!


Okay, San Francisco, so I have to say it. What the fuck is wrong with this town these days! I mean, it’s not like there is anyplace else on earth that could possibly be any better, but still! Maybe it’s the heat, or maybe it’s the smoky air, and perhaps it is even a continued backlash against the rest of the country in celebrating the Fourth of July, but for some reason the past week has been rough stuff all over town. Maybe I should elaborate.

For starters, there was the ever-so-typical San Francisco 4th of July holiday. Now, while on a clear day it is the most spectacular tribute to the beauty of America. However, I feel like the city herself has no desire to be American, as year after year she crowds the skies with a fog so dense it is almost comical. You can barely see your hand in front of you not to mention look out for the roustabout revelers popping off firecrackers in your face. I sent my holiday not bbq-ing, but eating foods from the tropics of India, Thailand, and even France. The day couldn’t get any less patriotic, especially when taunted by the heat wave that followed early the next day. However thanks in large part to her heinous Peaches Christ, one of the most spectacular celebrations was well underway.

With the birthday of Democracy came the much anticipated kick off of the ever popular Midnight Mass, and the return of Showgirls! I mean, Peaches Christ really nailed it with this one. I can’t think of a single movie more American in its portrayal of values, class struggle, wardrobe…this movie has it all! The show was started with a video montage of bawdy clips and children with flags set to Celine Dion’s rendition of God Bless America! Following where interviews with cast members, and then the legendary lap dancers took the stage.

This year’s lap dancers nearly outnumbered the audience, including the ever popular House of Salad, who where a mess of intense fabulosity. They were where drunk, darling, and nearly delusional, and the audience didn’t know whether to hide their popcorn or give them a standing ovation. However, they really upstaged the rest of the pack, as they thwarted and tumbled across the laps of many, creating and destroying erections as they passed. Peaches Christ sure knows how to pick ‘em, and the audience encouraged them to keep the lap grinding salad style for years to come!

Amidst the heat wave, many fags didn’t know what to do with themselves, and retreated to the Russian River. However, the ones who stayed all spent their Sunday in Dolores Park, basking in the escalating heat. At 85 degrees, the Castro was hopping! Is pent my day hiding from the crowds, but got phone call after phone call of all the scandalous happenings that were busting all over town!

I hear a story about a fight between two city power party planners and DJs that ended up with broken glass and a pissy huff-off into the night!

There were the drag queens spotted in a huff as they stormed toward home at three thirty in the morning!

My favorite tattle was the drunken radical fairy who was exposed and posed foreskin-out, passed out, with one of the most fabulous-haired diva on the scene! The pics ended up on Facebook, and the rest is history!

Who are these people? Well, but only my closest friends! But I don’t want to tell you who that could be, cause then you might know who I am, and you might force me to break a Pinkyswear!