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House of Wax

House of Cards

Summer is officially underway with the release of House of Wax, a film geared towards a younger demographic and, presumably, a demographic that cares nothing for character development, plot, or anything vaguely plausible. However, the movie does have Paris Hilton cavorting in her bra and panties, which will no doubt put many eager teens in the seats. Unfortunately, Paris's ass(ets) are not nearly enough to salvage this mess.

A group of largely narcissistic, unlikable teens are road tripping to the biggest football championship of the year. An ill-advised detour lands the youths in uncharted territory. Every detour made in a film like this inevitably leads to chaos, mayhem, and death. House of Wax is no exception.

Even when these kids are in the gravest of peril, it's hard to really care as debut director Jaume Serra has chosen to do nothing to develop these characters beyond revealing their penchant for drinking, swearing, and screwing; the wax statues that inhabit the creepy town they stumble onto have more personality. House of Wax stumbles even more in creating a plot that doesn't engage or make any real sense (this is strictly a color by numbers job). The kids blindly make the stupid moves that serve to exacerbate their situation time and again.

The two wax-carving brothers stalking the kids are twisted and unrelenting in their pursuit of their prey. But, there is no clear explanation for 'why' these brothers are so twisted. An abusive childhood is alluded to, but it's not enough to convince anyone that these brothers would develop a penchant for giving people a hot wax shower and displaying them in their museum of wax delights.

Ultimately, what is perhaps most horrifying about House of Wax is the crass display of Paris Hilton's countenance on the film poster drenched in a substance that is presumably wax. However, this substance bears a striking resemblance to a certain bodily fluid excreted by males. Don't be fooled, this isn't A Night in Paris.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars