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Are We There Yet?

Get Ready, It's Gonna Be A Long Ride

Like a bad road trip, Are We There Yet?, seems like it will never end. Picture a mini-van full of crying babies with colds, picture having severe dysentery without a rest stop in sight, picture no A/C in a humid Louisiana summer, and picture a stereo system from 1982 with nothing on the radio but Barry Manilow (sorry, Barry) all rolled into one and you'll know how it feels to watch this movie.

These things don't actually happen in this movie -- they just feel like they do. Ice Cube is self-acclaimed baby-hating bachelor Nick the Quick. (Can I just take this moment to say, "What the fuck happened to you!?" How do you go from being a member of N.W.A. and starring in movies like Boyz n da Hood and Friday to Barbershop 2 and Are We There Yet? Seriously -- how? Are you in some kind of debt? Have you been watching too many episodes of "MTV Cribs" and feel like you need more bling; a little extension on the house? I guess it must be true -- money does make you crazy.) When he spots the woman of his dreams, Suzanne (a busty Nia Long), little does he know that she is a recently divorced mother of two evil geniuses, the key word here is "evil". But by the time he finds out, he's already smitten and ready to be used and abused.

When Suzanne gets called away for business and her ex-husband ditches the kids, Nick takes the opportunity to suck up and make a good impression. He volunteers to bring the kids up to meet her in Vancouver. Little does he know that he will actually be escorting the spawns of Satan himself.

Basically the kids put him through hell and back. Yada yada yada. Then, of course, everything neatly works out in the end. But it's too little, too late. It doesn't need to be said that this movie is complete drivel. They've marketed this flick as a "family" movie, but I advise you not to take children to see this -- it'll only give them bad ideas.

Rating: 0 stars out of 5