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Alien vs. Predator

The worst coupling since Michael and Lisa Marie

The tag line for Alien vs. Predator is "whoever wins… we lose." Unfortunately, the trailer fails to explain that the 'we' refers not to the characters in the movie, but to the people who find themselves in the theater while this movie is screening.

Honestly, no one expects this film to be anything but an abomination. Yet, despite this knowledge, many people may feel compelled to see Alien vs. Predator. Mind you, it has nothing to do with faith that writer/director Paul Anderson, whose resume boasts masterpieces like Mortal Kombat and Soldier, will be able to construct a coherent story around the farfetched premise of Aliens and Predators somehow meeting on our small green planet. Rather, the same people who argue endlessly over which X-Men character would emerge victorious in a steel-cage death match will have their curiosity piqued by which mythical beast will reign supreme in this fantastical showdown. After all, regardless of how farcical the story is it would be difficult for any battle scene involving fluorescent green blood and extraterrestrial slime not to entertain.

Despite modest expectations for the plot however, few people will be prepared for the utter lunacy of the story. It's best to refrain from introducing the story line, for in the words of the immortal Billy Madison, we would all be "dumber for having listened to it." Besides, it's not as if the plot plays any part in why people will buy tickets for this film.

Predictably, the pinnacle of the film is the end. It is here where the biggest laugh is supplied, as the film conveniently leaves things open for a possible continuation of the series. The filmmakers should be reassured in knowing they're guaranteed to accomplish a rare feat if they choose to persist: a sequel that surpasses the original.