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The Twelve Days of Cochina

Lustaholics Anonymous

Hi, I知 Clifton and I知 a cochino. You know, the holidays are always difficult, and this last week has been especially hard for me -- with so many temptations -- all these little cochinas walking around in Santa Baby outfits, winking at me from every street corner. I知 really on the edge, you know? But after I shared at the last meeting, I was thinking, you know, I知 making progress on my first step. I mean, I am powerless over my cochinismo, but I知 struggling -- do I just give in, or do I try to stay on the straight and narrow way?

And now I think I知 even more confused, after I saw that crazy one-cochina show by Marga Gomez at Theatre Rhinoceros. I mean this chick is sooonasty. But I immediately felt that she was a kindred soul, because, well, you know, she痴 like a total cochina. Is it good for us to see others like us who are proud and tell us to just be who we are, or should we do the right thing and join the Christian Abstinence Movement? I mean I know sex is only for having babies, and that I知 a worthless evil wretch for ever thinking otherwise, but I can稚 help myself. I swear, my brain is on fire with the internal spiritual conflict.

She starts off with this monologue about how everything she痴 ever done has been for sex, and I知 totally like 徹h my God! That is sooo me! The constant fantasies, the fire in the belly, the irregular breathing, the crawling around on hands and knees howling and drooling, I recognized a sister cochina right away. And you know what the worst thing was? I liked the feeling. She痴 even kind ofhot! Listen to me! I知 a worthless sinner. I might as well just give up and stop pretending. But something in me makes me keep trying to be good, I swear, I知 trying. Don稚 I get points for trying? God are you listening, or are your ears plugged up with your nanopod or whatever they call them?

She puts on a black mantilla and starts off with this mad hilarious shtick about her Aunt Tit -- this crazy old Latina, from the Old Country- Hispanica ( you know, where Hispanics come from). She痴 like 鏑eesen to meee, Cochina. You aire a dairty leetle Cochina, thas wha you aire. Go and shange your panties. We mus go to shursh now. Then she痴 telling this off-the-hook story about "La Maricona", the famous dyke futbol star from the Old Country who痴 in love with the wife of the omnipotent Generalissimo Passivo Agresso. Anyway, I won稚 give it away. You値l just have to see the play for yourself, that is if you, like me, are abjectly and miserably devoid of self respect and want to continue living out your filthy kinky sexual perversions for the rest of your worthless life.

Marga Gomez is a gifted 菟hysical comedian. I mean, all she has to do is just walk a few steps, with her little cochina culo all tightened up, demonstrating the effects of not getting laid for a really long time, and she痴 incredibly funny. And she does this thing where she痴 a little girl rising her stick horse -- you know the kind that goes between your legs, and she痴 riding and riding and -- Jeez, it痴 completely filthy! Her humor has a distinct Mexican flavor, with shades of Cantnflas, and the kind of gentle, goofy sarcasm that pervades Latino humor. But most importantly, in this show, she痴 not only out and Lesibiana, she痴 totally sexual. And I知 thinking to myself 滴mmmthis is actually cool. A chick that is really sexual. I totally approve! But no, what am I thinking? It痴 wrong! It痴 disgusting! It痴 so totallycochina!

What makes Ms Gomez so powerful as a performer is that she just lets go. In this play, she痴 perfected this long, slow crescendo of depravity that kind of, well, climaxes in Walgreens, where she has gone to find kidney medicine because she sold one kidney to pay for a white Siberian tiger for her tightass girlfriend for Christmas only to get viciously dumped on Christmas Eve and the hot Walgreens clerk won稚 do her on the floor right there and calls security andyou know the rest. We have all been in exactly the same situation so many times, haven稚 we?

This weird play is loosely (and I mean loosely) structured on "A Chtistmas Carol". It痴 also kind of like Don Giovanni, with an evil spirit visiting the depraved horny, but lovable sinner Cochina with portentious, stentorian proclamations about her utter worthlessness. ( FYI, I hear the same voice in my head, just with a different accent!) In fact the evil spirit is her old Tit, who finally realizes the error of her ways in being such a tightass. She tells Cochina to just go with the flow, or something like that, I don稚 really remember. By that time I was laughing so hard that it made mecompletely horny! Damn. There I go again. I should never have gone to see that play!

At the end of this completely whack extravaganza of lust, Ms. Gomez gets downright frightening, because she starts to come on to the audience! It痴 repulsive! She痴 all like 添ou池e really ahotaudience, you know? I bet you池e Saggitarians. I totally love Saggitarians! And she痴 like walking up the aisles into the audience and I知 like 徹h no, is she going totouch me? And then I知 like 的 hope so! She is so hot! And I then swear I had to run out of the theatre, straight home into an ice cold shower, put on the restraining devices, grab my Bible and whip and beat myself raw with remorse, trying to purify myself and rid myself forever of the lustful, lustful evil thoughts that the decadent cochina Marga Gomez and her brilliant, hilarious show made me think. I say check it, yo. This show kicks.

The Twelve Days of Cochina
with Marga Gomez
at Theatre Rhinoceros
runs Through December 17th.
Tickets: $15 - 25